Unexpected Anxiety

Me and my girl.

We're no strangers to anxiety.

Isn't it funny how one person's anxiety can give you anxiety? Why does it have to be so contagious?  And why does it sneak it's way into unexpected areas of life?  It would be great if it could just stay put.

This girl has talked about college since she was little.  We have literally been getting mail from colleges for YEARS because she signed herself up on collegeboard.com.  She's talked about colleges she's interested in and areas of study she's considering for all of her high school years.  In fact, she's talked about it so much that she's inspired some friends to reconsider their further education choices.  

Honestly, I've felt bad that because of moving for the military, we weren't able to do the normal 'visit colleges' thing and decided that she would attend the local community college first so she could get her feet underneath her before moving again, but this time out on her own.  I am immensely thankful that she agreed it was a good choice, that it's a good school and that it seems to be the norm in the area we're in.

Praise the Lord.

99% of the time, my girl is more on top of it than I can keep up with, so I wasn't the least bit surprised when she enrolled in school and applied for FASFA on her own.  She also set up her student portal, declared a major and researched class schedules.

What did surprise me was the anxiety that came when it was time to enroll in the classes that she had extensively researched.  I was even more surprised when she only enrolled in one hybrid class and the rest are online. 

All of the sudden, lies started filling her head.

"I'm just a dumb homeschooler who doesn't know how to do this college stuff"

"I've forgotten how to sit in class and socialize"

"I'm behind and everyone else knows what they're doing"

"I don't know how to be somewhere at a certain time, early in the morning"

It didn't matter how much I spoke truth to her, the lies spoke louder.  I tried to point out that while she was on a zoom call with an advisor at the college, everyone else was sitting in a classroom.  They were also sitting there while she was registering for classes.  They all have to wait until evening or the weekends to do these things and they most likely are having a parent do it for them.  I reminded her that she has already taken a whole semester of online college classes, so she's completely familiar with that platform, while public school kids are not.  I encouraged her that all seniors are feeling this way; none of them know what they're doing or are feeling confident on this new path.

I reminded her that she has dreamed of going to college for years and it's finally here!  She can finally go to classes and be with peers and carry a backpack and raise her hand!  And she said, "Well, dreams die."

Gut punch.

I started to question a lot of things.  Maybe I should have put her in an in-person class, instead of online...except I didn't even have an option for that.  Maybe I should have been more strict on making her get up and leave the house every morning...but to do what?  She goes to work everyday, but not until the afternoon and she always gets her schoolwork done on time. What should I change so my boys don't feel this way when they graduate?  They've never even set foot in a school!!!

"Maybe, maybe, maybe..." filled my head and my own anxieties grew.

Is it worth it to put your kid in a class, simply so they can measure themselves up against other kids?  Is that really where I want them to get their value and self worth from?  And I'm against common core, which is making the standard super low so everyone can meet it...so I want their self worth to come from being higher than a low standard that everyone is supposed to meet?  That seems silly.  And just because you are "smarter" than your peers, doesn't mean you actually are smart, or believe your smart.  So what's the solution to ensuring that your kid feels smart and is smart?

And then truth hit me.

It's all an illusion.

It's an illusion that one set path of education will produce a successful adult.

It's an illusion to think that just the right school, or teacher or activity will produce a child who is confident.

There are smart public school kids and there are kids who barely make it through.  Same is true for private schools and same is true for homeschoolers.  There are kids who work their tushies off to get into a prestigious college and end up at a trade school.  Or maybe they make it to that prestigious, very expensive college and they end up miserable, depressed and broke for years.

Somehow we let society lead us to believe illusions and our pride drives us to want to be defined as better than other people.  Instead, let it lead us to pray for our kids and pray for wisdom on how to shepherd them through life's transitions and big decisions.  Let us pray that His will would be done in their lives, with confidence, and not the world's.

 {Credit to Dr. Ellen Langer for the idea of everything being an illusion}

A letter to myself

Jen,

Your baby girl finishes school tomorrow.

She has been a surprise to you since the moment she came out with black hair.  Simply that fact, has reminded you time and time again that God knit her together so uniquely and she is her own special person.  

You have been there through the years of crying through the night, covered in mylanta cherry supreme and hours of rocking and praying for answers that would bring her comfort.

Remember how loud you cheered the day she learned to walk?  It was a sweet celebration after watching her scream through hours at the physical therapist.  Why you let her walk naked through the strawberry patch after that, I have no idea...

You were the strong one when the sass came.  You were the brave one that continued to care and teach her through two more pregnancies.  And even though you had no idea what you were doing, you answered God's calling to teach her.  You met the challenge with energy and put diligent work into planning school for this girl.

You made messes.  And hopefully memories.

 You taught her how to read, tie her shoes and every little thing in between those things.

You spent hours setting up school spaces, planning curriculum and mapping out her eduction so that she wouldn't have any gaps.  Oh man, do you remember how she used to cry just hearing the word 'fractions'?!  You worked through that!  And slowly built up her confidence in math to where she was able to finish a college math class this year!

You taught this girl when you were exhausted and running on fumes.  You showed up when you were weary from solo parenting while Ben was deployed.  You prepared work for her to do while you were moving and unpacking.  You put yourself into so many awkward situations in the unknown, just to try and help her make friends in each new place you moved.

And let's be real, the hardest season of teaching was during the pandemic, but not because of the pandemic...it was during the season when trauma hit and medical appointments filled your days, but each one was a hurdle because of all the restrictions.  Days were in bed with your girl, reading to her and walking her through math problems. 

But you did it.  You showed up and put in the hard work.  A year of school should have been lost, but it wasn't.  Time and again, you met Alison where she needed to be and believed in the power of going against the "norm".

You continued teaching this girl, not only school, but big life lessons as unexpected teen issues hit.  If someone could please update parenting books that are relevant to 2025 that would be great.  You loved on her when she was prickly.  You took her out for boba when you knew her cup was running empty.  You drove through crazy New York traffic to go to friends houses.  You were on standby when she needed to talk through anxiety, even when you were walking through your own anxiety.

You taught her to drive even when it made you carsick.  You figured out ASU classes and how to make a transcript.  And you fought pretty stinkin hard to get her the best possible high school graduation.  It will not look traditional in any sense, but nothing about her life really has.

Somehow, you raised a fierce, intelligent and beautiful girl.  Take a moment and soak that up.  While she put in the hard work of completing classes and she is the one rightly being celebrated right now, take a moment to appreciate your work as well.  In this unseen world of homeschooling, sometimes you need to celebrate yourself.

You did it!!!

This picture could look so different.  She could not have even wanted you in the picture.  She could not be smiling or hugging you, but your relationship with this sweet girl has flourished.

Praise the Lord for all His blessings that he has poured on you.