The one year mark

Alison and I have made it our mission to try as many different coffee shops and acai bowls that we can.  We love how there are unique little shops everywhere you turn, especially when they're close to some shopping or the ocean.

This is just one perk of San Diego and I'm thankful every day that I get to live here.  This past year has been full of joy, healing and peace.  

So I was surprised, when life started to feel a little less joyful and peaceful.  Discontentment was knocking at my door and I was so confused.  How could I be complaining about a place that I love and that I longed to be in for a long time?  And then I realized what it was; we've been here a year.  I get the same feeling at the one year mark every time we move and we've done it enough times now that I can recognize it.

You see, there's this cycle that we go through.  When you first get to a new place, life is chaotic and unsettled.  Time is consumed with just getting the basics set up and trying to get kids to feel settled in their new spaces.  We tend to move in really quickly, but this is still a good two to three months of life.  Then you have space and energy to start building your new life.  Hope fills your soul as you search for what this life will look like.  You look at churches and sport groups and co-ops.  You try new restaurants and explore new parks.  It's exciting to gather information and explore what potentially could be your life.  And then at the year mark, you realize that you've done all the exploring that can be done and what is your life, is what it will be.  The acquaintances you have, will be the people in your life.  The routines you've slid into, those will continue.  It is what it is.  The hope and excitement diminish and you have to settle into a year of that life.  

What hits me hardest is friendships.  Anyone we meet after this point, probably won't want to let us in their life as we can no longer say "We'll be here for 3 years".  Unfortunately for me, friendships are important and it makes living this transient military life seem overwhelming.

 

A smooth start

Just a boring picture to soak up real life.

I was recovering from Covid and trying to be a normal human on the couch (instead of comatose in my bed) and Alison had just gotten home from school.  She made herself a pbj, just like a daughter of mine should, and got some love from Maya.  She told me about her day and I realized just how perfect her story was as a follow up to the last post.

She said that they have a quiz once a week and this week, the girl next to her asked her for the answers.  She said that she didn't need to give her the answers because it was an open book quiz.  The girl still didn't get it.  Alison pointed to the book and told her all the answers were right in front of her.  Even with an open book quiz, she said that most of the students were complaining about the quizzes and how they were bringing their grades down.  

She said, "Mom, I was worried that I wouldn't know things and I did not need to worry!  Most of the other students don't know basic things.  They don't know how to use the computer lab to type up papers or how to answer an essay questions in 500 words or how to find answers in a book!"

We talked about why this may be.  Was it Mira Costa?  Was it because this is an intro class that everyone has to take?  Was it public school kids? Or did they just not care and if so, why were they even there?

First of all, I'm thankful that this first class has erased her fears of failing and proven to her that she really does have what it takes to succeed.  Even though some of the classes are easy for her, I'm thankful for a smooth transition into college.

Second of all, it's made me think even more about American education.  I'm baffled quite frankly.

Homeschooling is in the minority and is mostly looked down upon, while public school is accepted and thought of as the norm.  Society questions whether my kids are "smart" because they don't have 30 other peers to compare themselves to, while they assume public school kids are super smart because they take AP classes.  Even more so, we assume that private school students are the elite.  Then all these students come together in college and some show up unable to find answers in a book.  What is happening?  What is happening all these years of 8 hour days and homework in the evenings???  How is that equating being unable to type essays and pass quizzes? 

On another aspect, I'm confused why it's insanely hard to get into college and then people are going into great debt for their education, to go to a class that is full of students unable to learn the material.   

 

Unexpected Anxiety

Me and my girl.

We're no strangers to anxiety.

Isn't it funny how one person's anxiety can give you anxiety? Why does it have to be so contagious?  And why does it sneak it's way into unexpected areas of life?  It would be great if it could just stay put.

This girl has talked about college since she was little.  We have literally been getting mail from colleges for YEARS because she signed herself up on collegeboard.com.  She's talked about colleges she's interested in and areas of study she's considering for all of her high school years.  In fact, she's talked about it so much that she's inspired some friends to reconsider their further education choices.  

Honestly, I've felt bad that because of moving for the military, we weren't able to do the normal 'visit colleges' thing and decided that she would attend the local community college first so she could get her feet underneath her before moving again, but this time out on her own.  I am immensely thankful that she agreed it was a good choice, that it's a good school and that it seems to be the norm in the area we're in.

Praise the Lord.

99% of the time, my girl is more on top of it than I can keep up with, so I wasn't the least bit surprised when she enrolled in school and applied for FASFA on her own.  She also set up her student portal, declared a major and researched class schedules.

What did surprise me was the anxiety that came when it was time to enroll in the classes that she had extensively researched.  I was even more surprised when she only enrolled in one hybrid class and the rest are online. 

All of the sudden, lies started filling her head.

"I'm just a dumb homeschooler who doesn't know how to do this college stuff"

"I've forgotten how to sit in class and socialize"

"I'm behind and everyone else knows what they're doing"

"I don't know how to be somewhere at a certain time, early in the morning"

It didn't matter how much I spoke truth to her, the lies spoke louder.  I tried to point out that while she was on a zoom call with an advisor at the college, everyone else was sitting in a classroom.  They were also sitting there while she was registering for classes.  They all have to wait until evening or the weekends to do these things and they most likely are having a parent do it for them.  I reminded her that she has already taken a whole semester of online college classes, so she's completely familiar with that platform, while public school kids are not.  I encouraged her that all seniors are feeling this way; none of them know what they're doing or are feeling confident on this new path.

I reminded her that she has dreamed of going to college for years and it's finally here!  She can finally go to classes and be with peers and carry a backpack and raise her hand!  And she said, "Well, dreams die."

Gut punch.

I started to question a lot of things.  Maybe I should have put her in an in-person class, instead of online...except I didn't even have an option for that.  Maybe I should have been more strict on making her get up and leave the house every morning...but to do what?  She goes to work everyday, but not until the afternoon and she always gets her schoolwork done on time. What should I change so my boys don't feel this way when they graduate?  They've never even set foot in a school!!!

"Maybe, maybe, maybe..." filled my head and my own anxieties grew.

Is it worth it to put your kid in a class, simply so they can measure themselves up against other kids?  Is that really where I want them to get their value and self worth from?  And I'm against common core, which is making the standard super low so everyone can meet it...so I want their self worth to come from being higher than a low standard that everyone is supposed to meet?  That seems silly.  And just because you are "smarter" than your peers, doesn't mean you actually are smart, or believe your smart.  So what's the solution to ensuring that your kid feels smart and is smart?

And then truth hit me.

It's all an illusion.

It's an illusion that one set path of education will produce a successful adult.

It's an illusion to think that just the right school, or teacher or activity will produce a child who is confident.

There are smart public school kids and there are kids who barely make it through.  Same is true for private schools and same is true for homeschoolers.  There are kids who work their tushies off to get into a prestigious college and end up at a trade school.  Or maybe they make it to that prestigious, very expensive college and they end up miserable, depressed and broke for years.

Somehow we let society lead us to believe illusions and our pride drives us to want to be defined as better than other people.  Instead, let it lead us to pray for our kids and pray for wisdom on how to shepherd them through life's transitions and big decisions.  Let us pray that His will would be done in their lives, with confidence, and not the world's.

 {Credit to Dr. Ellen Langer for the idea of everything being an illusion}

A letter to myself

Jen,

Your baby girl finishes school tomorrow.

She has been a surprise to you since the moment she came out with black hair.  Simply that fact, has reminded you time and time again that God knit her together so uniquely and she is her own special person.  

You have been there through the years of crying through the night, covered in mylanta cherry supreme and hours of rocking and praying for answers that would bring her comfort.

Remember how loud you cheered the day she learned to walk?  It was a sweet celebration after watching her scream through hours at the physical therapist.  Why you let her walk naked through the strawberry patch after that, I have no idea...

You were the strong one when the sass came.  You were the brave one that continued to care and teach her through two more pregnancies.  And even though you had no idea what you were doing, you answered God's calling to teach her.  You met the challenge with energy and put diligent work into planning school for this girl.

You made messes.  And hopefully memories.

 You taught her how to read, tie her shoes and every little thing in between those things.

You spent hours setting up school spaces, planning curriculum and mapping out her eduction so that she wouldn't have any gaps.  Oh man, do you remember how she used to cry just hearing the word 'fractions'?!  You worked through that!  And slowly built up her confidence in math to where she was able to finish a college math class this year!

You taught this girl when you were exhausted and running on fumes.  You showed up when you were weary from solo parenting while Ben was deployed.  You prepared work for her to do while you were moving and unpacking.  You put yourself into so many awkward situations in the unknown, just to try and help her make friends in each new place you moved.

And let's be real, the hardest season of teaching was during the pandemic, but not because of the pandemic...it was during the season when trauma hit and medical appointments filled your days, but each one was a hurdle because of all the restrictions.  Days were in bed with your girl, reading to her and walking her through math problems. 

But you did it.  You showed up and put in the hard work.  A year of school should have been lost, but it wasn't.  Time and again, you met Alison where she needed to be and believed in the power of going against the "norm".

You continued teaching this girl, not only school, but big life lessons as unexpected teen issues hit.  If someone could please update parenting books that are relevant to 2025 that would be great.  You loved on her when she was prickly.  You took her out for boba when you knew her cup was running empty.  You drove through crazy New York traffic to go to friends houses.  You were on standby when she needed to talk through anxiety, even when you were walking through your own anxiety.

You taught her to drive even when it made you carsick.  You figured out ASU classes and how to make a transcript.  And you fought pretty stinkin hard to get her the best possible high school graduation.  It will not look traditional in any sense, but nothing about her life really has.

Somehow, you raised a fierce, intelligent and beautiful girl.  Take a moment and soak that up.  While she put in the hard work of completing classes and she is the one rightly being celebrated right now, take a moment to appreciate your work as well.  In this unseen world of homeschooling, sometimes you need to celebrate yourself.

You did it!!!

This picture could look so different.  She could not have even wanted you in the picture.  She could not be smiling or hugging you, but your relationship with this sweet girl has flourished.

Praise the Lord for all His blessings that he has poured on you.