Unexpected Anxiety

Me and my girl.

We're no strangers to anxiety.

Isn't it funny how one person's anxiety can give you anxiety? Why does it have to be so contagious?  And why does it sneak it's way into unexpected areas of life?  It would be great if it could just stay put.

This girl has talked about college since she was little.  We have literally been getting mail from colleges for YEARS because she signed herself up on collegeboard.com.  She's talked about colleges she's interested in and areas of study she's considering for all of her high school years.  In fact, she's talked about it so much that she's inspired some friends to reconsider their further education choices.  

Honestly, I've felt bad that because of moving for the military, we weren't able to do the normal 'visit colleges' thing and decided that she would attend the local community college first so she could get her feet underneath her before moving again, but this time out on her own.  I am immensely thankful that she agreed it was a good choice, that it's a good school and that it seems to be the norm in the area we're in.

Praise the Lord.

99% of the time, my girl is more on top of it than I can keep up with, so I wasn't the least bit surprised when she enrolled in school and applied for FASFA on her own.  She also set up her student portal, declared a major and researched class schedules.

What did surprise me was the anxiety that came when it was time to enroll in the classes that she had extensively researched.  I was even more surprised when she only enrolled in one hybrid class and the rest are online. 

All of the sudden, lies started filling her head.

"I'm just a dumb homeschooler who doesn't know how to do this college stuff"

"I've forgotten how to sit in class and socialize"

"I'm behind and everyone else knows what they're doing"

"I don't know how to be somewhere at a certain time, early in the morning"

It didn't matter how much I spoke truth to her, the lies spoke louder.  I tried to point out that while she was on a zoom call with an advisor at the college, everyone else was sitting in a classroom.  They were also sitting there while she was registering for classes.  They all have to wait until evening or the weekends to do these things and they most likely are having a parent do it for them.  I reminded her that she has already taken a whole semester of online college classes, so she's completely familiar with that platform, while public school kids are not.  I encouraged her that all seniors are feeling this way; none of them know what they're doing or are feeling confident on this new path.

I reminded her that she has dreamed of going to college for years and it's finally here!  She can finally go to classes and be with peers and carry a backpack and raise her hand!  And she said, "Well, dreams die."

Gut punch.

I started to question a lot of things.  Maybe I should have put her in an in-person class, instead of online...except I didn't even have an option for that.  Maybe I should have been more strict on making her get up and leave the house every morning...but to do what?  She goes to work everyday, but not until the afternoon and she always gets her schoolwork done on time. What should I change so my boys don't feel this way when they graduate?  They've never even set foot in a school!!!

"Maybe, maybe, maybe..." filled my head and my own anxieties grew.

Is it worth it to put your kid in a class, simply so they can measure themselves up against other kids?  Is that really where I want them to get their value and self worth from?  And I'm against common core, which is making the standard super low so everyone can meet it...so I want their self worth to come from being higher than a low standard that everyone is supposed to meet?  That seems silly.  And just because you are "smarter" than your peers, doesn't mean you actually are smart, or believe your smart.  So what's the solution to ensuring that your kid feels smart and is smart?

And then truth hit me.

It's all an illusion.

It's an illusion that one set path of education will produce a successful adult.

It's an illusion to think that just the right school, or teacher or activity will produce a child who is confident.

There are smart public school kids and there are kids who barely make it through.  Same is true for private schools and same is true for homeschoolers.  There are kids who work their tushies off to get into a prestigious college and end up at a trade school.  Or maybe they make it to that prestigious, very expensive college and they end up miserable, depressed and broke for years.

Somehow we let society lead us to believe illusions and our pride drives us to want to be defined as better than other people.  Instead, let it lead us to pray for our kids and pray for wisdom on how to shepherd them through life's transitions and big decisions.  Let us pray that His will would be done in their lives, with confidence, and not the world's.

 {Credit to Dr. Ellen Langer for the idea of everything being an illusion}

A letter to myself

Jen,

Your baby girl finishes school tomorrow.

She has been a surprise to you since the moment she came out with black hair.  Simply that fact, has reminded you time and time again that God knit her together so uniquely and she is her own special person.  

You have been there through the years of crying through the night, covered in mylanta cherry supreme and hours of rocking and praying for answers that would bring her comfort.

Remember how loud you cheered the day she learned to walk?  It was a sweet celebration after watching her scream through hours at the physical therapist.  Why you let her walk naked through the strawberry patch after that, I have no idea...

You were the strong one when the sass came.  You were the brave one that continued to care and teach her through two more pregnancies.  And even though you had no idea what you were doing, you answered God's calling to teach her.  You met the challenge with energy and put diligent work into planning school for this girl.

You made messes.  And hopefully memories.

 You taught her how to read, tie her shoes and every little thing in between those things.

You spent hours setting up school spaces, planning curriculum and mapping out her eduction so that she wouldn't have any gaps.  Oh man, do you remember how she used to cry just hearing the word 'fractions'?!  You worked through that!  And slowly built up her confidence in math to where she was able to finish a college math class this year!

You taught this girl when you were exhausted and running on fumes.  You showed up when you were weary from solo parenting while Ben was deployed.  You prepared work for her to do while you were moving and unpacking.  You put yourself into so many awkward situations in the unknown, just to try and help her make friends in each new place you moved.

And let's be real, the hardest season of teaching was during the pandemic, but not because of the pandemic...it was during the season when trauma hit and medical appointments filled your days, but each one was a hurdle because of all the restrictions.  Days were in bed with your girl, reading to her and walking her through math problems. 

But you did it.  You showed up and put in the hard work.  A year of school should have been lost, but it wasn't.  Time and again, you met Alison where she needed to be and believed in the power of going against the "norm".

You continued teaching this girl, not only school, but big life lessons as unexpected teen issues hit.  If someone could please update parenting books that are relevant to 2025 that would be great.  You loved on her when she was prickly.  You took her out for boba when you knew her cup was running empty.  You drove through crazy New York traffic to go to friends houses.  You were on standby when she needed to talk through anxiety, even when you were walking through your own anxiety.

You taught her to drive even when it made you carsick.  You figured out ASU classes and how to make a transcript.  And you fought pretty stinkin hard to get her the best possible high school graduation.  It will not look traditional in any sense, but nothing about her life really has.

Somehow, you raised a fierce, intelligent and beautiful girl.  Take a moment and soak that up.  While she put in the hard work of completing classes and she is the one rightly being celebrated right now, take a moment to appreciate your work as well.  In this unseen world of homeschooling, sometimes you need to celebrate yourself.

You did it!!!

This picture could look so different.  She could not have even wanted you in the picture.  She could not be smiling or hugging you, but your relationship with this sweet girl has flourished.

Praise the Lord for all His blessings that he has poured on you.

 

Third times a charm

This was our 3rd cross-country move.  The previous 2 times, we've said, "We're NEVER doing it that way AGAIN!"  This move was certainly outside of the box, but I would actually recommend how we did it, if possible.

Eli and I hit the road first.  We loaded up my car with everything "essential": homeschool material, camping in an empty house necessities, anything the packers wouldn't pack that we wanted to keep and the pets.  It felt like we were just going on a big road trip, as we left the house as it normally is.  Okay, that part kind of messed with my brain later on, but I think it was good for the kids.  It's an odd mixture of stress and healthy processing to see your house in boxes.

Last picture in New York

I was very thorough in my planning and knew exactly where we would stop for lunch and dinner each day and had hotels lined up for the whole trip.  Having some good food lined up is essential.  There are going to naturally be emergency times when you have to grab McDonald's or something at the gas station, but if you only live on that for a week, you will feel miserable...at least I will.  Plus, hotel breakfasts are gross in my opinion, so lunch should hopefully make up for that.  This Mediterranean spot was one of our favorites.

I was surprised by the trip.  I thought I would spend all this time processing the last couple of years and even warned Eli that I might cry.  I was totally prepared to cry...but never did.  I also thought I would listen to a million audiobooks.  Nope.  However, I found the drive very therapeutic.  I loved seeing all the different topographies and my mind was occupied with remembering how to drive normal.  Not exaggerating...I had to remember how to drive on a highway where you pass people and drive 70 mph and not be honking with a million people around me trying to run into me.  It also surprised me how amazing it was to just listen to Eli's music and spend so much quality time with him.

We stopped in Kansas for a few days and man, did that fill my cup!  I got to spend the day with my absolute best friend.  We have been friends since high school and were room mates in college (that's just the beginning of our friendship).  We walked around downtown, pretending that we were still in college and not in our 40's.

I also got some time with my family and was able to do laundry and restock supplies for the remainder of the trip.  I wish everyone could have a landing spot in Kansas for their cross-country move, because it is a game changer.

Up until this point, Ben, Alison and Colin were still in New York living "normal" life.  Then, Ben put Alison and Colin on a plane and they flew to Kansas.  I picked them up from the airport and they stayed with my parents for a week while Eli and I finished the drive.  Ben stayed in New York and our house was packed up.

I cannot tell you how excited I was to get to Colorado.  Being right here was the refreshment I longed for for a very long time.

One of our favorite nights was the night we got sushi and then went to play putt-putt.  Eli's love language is sushi and I almost turned around when I saw this place (it looked abandoned) but Eli convinced me to go in and it turned out great.  We had the place to ourselves, but the service was impeccable :). The funny thing is, we don't remember what stop this was...somewhere between Vail and Zion.

Getting to Zion was also huge for me personally.  It was my one splurge on the trip.  I reserved a hotel right outside of the park, but close enough to get a hike in and walk to dinner.  It was worth it!  This is the first time I've done a national park by myself and I'm proud of myself.  A heat wave hit and it was 100, but I channeled my inner Yuman and hiked 3 miles. 

Then we went for a swim in this epic pool.

For the lack of crying, I did have a moment when we got to California. 

I did it!

I did it on my own and Praise the Lord, we didn't have any car problems or hiccups along the way.  Not only that, we had a fantastic trip.  I honestly really enjoyed the adventure with Eli and will always cherish the memories we made along the way.

The heatwave continued and it was 107 when we got to our rental house.  The landlord was so nice and met us there with waters, oranges and a giant fan.  I ordered mattresses off Amazon while we were in Zion to be delivered the day we arrived.  The landlord even lugged them all in for me!  We set up camp in the living room and I dashed off to try and find more fans.  Why mattresses?  Because they were the same prices as air mattresses and the cost of buying 4 mattresses was cheaper than 2 nights in a hotel, and we would have needed 7 nights in a hotel.  Alison needed a new mattress anyway and the others I'm storing under beds for when we have guests.  They were the right choice...I slept so good and that's worth a lot.

Eli and I set up the house in a "camping" state.  We got a few groceries and set up the kitchen so we could cook easy meals.  We had to eat them while sitting in camping chairs, but it still was better than trying find places to eat out every meal.  We got the bathrooms set so everyone could shower, put bedding on mattresses and even set up the wifi.

A few days later, Ben flew in from New York and Alison and Colin flew in from Kansas.  We camped in the rental house for a week (which I fully expected) but honestly, we were all fairly comfortable and it gave us time to get to know the area (i.e. find Target and Trader Joe's) and restock on all the things that you refuse to move...you know, like bath mats and trash cans.

In my opinion, this was our smoothest move yet.  And for a cross country move, the least stressful.  Someone going ahead to set up camp, eases the stress for those first few days in a new place.  Not traveling together, eased the stress of the constant shuffling of everyone's stuff and stopping a million times for different needs.  Alison and Colin got some fun family time instead of sitting and watching their house be packed up and Ben didn't have to worry about keeping people out of the packers way.

Of course there's always a negative and we knowingly chose ours.  Moving this way, meant that we would be living apart for 6 weeks.  Ben was able to come visit several times during that time, but had to live in our empty house in NY while he finished up work.  It also meant that I had to unpack the house by myself.

But I still think I got the better end of the deal; I had the kids with me and sand between my toes.

 

Sometimes I forget

I often forget how much life a military family can pack into a month.  I also forget how a large majority of our life is spent preparing to move and settling in after a move and how life rarely has rhythms. 

In our first month of school, before the big move we:

Went on our last NY field trip to the aviation museum

Had a last hurray at Legoland with a dear friend

Went to Jone's beach one last time with friends

Packed up a million Legos

Got the house ready to be packed up and said some sad goodbyes.

Sometimes I forget to give myself an extra dose of grace as I navigate all the layers of challenges this life bring.  

And sometimes I forget the beautiful blessings it brings as well.  Like sweet friends all over the country.

 

The school year has begun

To be honest, I was not looking forward to starting the school year.  Not because of teaching, but because I didn't feel refreshed from the summer and I know this year is going to be full of logistical challenges and it's my baby girl's last year (sniff, sniff) and I find homeschooling in this house very hard.  Wonder why?

This is why:

You can barely stand in the attic and I am constantly walking like a ninja through Legos to get things I need.  I've moved some subjects downstairs and the books sit in our pantry.  We sit at the table and it's nice, but when I read to the boys, they like to be up here and they build while I read.  I think it's good for their brains, but it's not good for me. I sit next to a very loud air conditioner, so I feel like I'm yelling the whole time.  I am thankful for the space, but also documenting so I'm extra thankful when I don't have to tilt my head to type on my computer at our next house.

I was nervous, but this amazing thing happened.  I got up earlier than normal and had my quiet time.  I have actually struggled with getting up early since moving here and I was surprised how easy it felt all of the sudden.  I prayed over our day and the Lord answered in a mighty way.  He gave me renewed energy, a pep in my step and my heart just overwhelmed with thankfulness.  He reminded me how much I really love homeschooling and showed me all the goodness that comes from our days.

Like this:

My boys are 12 and 14 and they still play Legos.  Their play had been stagnate over the summer, but was reignited when our school days got into swing. I love that our days allow time to do this and they have the freedom to still be kids.

Don't worry, there's still plenty of tween/teen in them.  I only got that picture because they didn't know I was taking it.  And this is what happens when I do try to get their face:

I was also reminded how amazing it is that we've been doing this for so long that we have a natural rhythm of our day and that it's pretty easy for us to get right back into.  I've learned over the years to not make a big deal out of starting school.  We ease into it and it all goes way better.  A week before I actually want to start school, I'll show them their new books.  Then I'll just have them flip through the books and talk a little about what this year's courses will look like.  Then I have them do half of a math lesson.  Then the next day finish the math lesson.  And I'll add in there starting to read a fun book together.  All that makes the first day not so jarring and overwhelming.

I've also learned that it's a good idea to start the day with a game or outside play for Colin.  And make sure he has some food in him.  Seems basic, but it's easy to just start the day with calling out orders, which quickly sours attitudes which inhibits learning.  A quick games gets the brain juices flowing and also set a good tone for the day.  Uno has always been a favorite in our house.

It also made it hard to start because we currently live in New York where everyone still had a month of summer, but we're moving to California where their school year is more normal and will end in May (instead of the end of June).  Plus, I want to do graduation stuff in May :). Plus, we're moving during this year.

I documented the beginning of the year and this is just to keep all things real.

WHY?

Why must she purse her lips and not smile like she normally does?!?!  I will never understand.

Why won't this one at least look remotely happy?  

Happy in real life?  Yes.  Point a camera at him and viola....no expression.

And this one takes the cake.  Um, why are you sitting on the dog???  What about "Let's take first day of school pictures" equalled "I know.  I'll sit on the dog and not smile at the camera."

I always show them the picture and ask them if this is how they want it to be documented and they say yes.  I'm documenting that here for when they complain about their picture collages when they graduate.

 

A recap of the summer

 My adventure of life jumped on the rapids for a bit.  

Literally.

I am SO very thankful for many things, but most of all that I listened to what God put on my heart at the beginning of the year.  I started the conversation of moving early with Ben when I felt the nudge and I also advocated for putting the house on the market early.  I remember telling him that I would much rather have a crazy summer of selling a house and finding housing across the country, than have a crazy school year and be trying to do that on top of teaching and activities and actually moving.  And Praise the Lord I had that foresight!

After our open house, we had a couple more showings.  Each time was promising but would turn out to be nothing.  We went on vacation for a week to the Adirondack mountains and I was sure that we would have showing requests while we were gone, but I was wrong.  It was, however, nice to unplug for a week and not clean a house.

When we got home, the house had been on the market for a month and it seems like the market in our area is changing.  Nothing that we were told would happen, actually happened.  No one is God, so it makes sense and I kicked myself for believing the hype.  All that to say, we lowered the price of the house, again expecting a flurry of activity.  Yet again, we were wrong.

Ben and I flew to California; he was working and I tagged along to house hunt.  That story is for another post, but it was absolutely wonderful being there with him and the Lord provided us with an open door for a house to rent!

To say I'm thankful that we are moving to a place that we both love is an understatement.  We know what it's like to not want to move where you're being forced to move, so this is truly a blessing.

Just a few days after we got home, we had 2 showings on our house.  Both couples were there for a very long time, but ultimately one couple decided that it was too loud (we're by a busy street and it drives me insane also) and one couple made an offer!  It was a very low offer, but it was an offer.

I say this humbly, but my pride took a hit.  I would love to blame all the people who told us "Your house is going to sell for a gazillion dollars the day you list it!" and "Your house is amazing, it's going to fly off the market for top dollar!" but I can't.  The truth is, I wanted the recognition that all the hard work I've poured into this house was good work and worth it.  And I wanted our house to be like all the other houses in the area and sell for a high list price.  I have to remind myself how much of a blessing it is that we have an offer and that we are able to sell our house AND we are making some money off of it so that we may be able to buy a house in California.  That's all amazing!  We had a very painful week of negotiations and people not being prompt to respond or answer.  The couple even asked to come back and look at the house again before they counter offered.  We finally settled and contracts were drawn up. 

The exact same day, we signed the contracts for a rental house in California.

While the contracts were being written for Mint house, we celebrated Alison's birthday and my sister came to visit.

We went into Brooklyn for the day and then she had some friends over for a little party.

Then, just a few days later, we were back in the city to do Times Square, eat pizza, walk through Central Park and went to the MET.

We also had another showing while she was here, but they mysteriously never showed up.

Beth actually ended up being stuck here for 2 extra days when the airline canceled her flight.  And while she was here, our air conditioner broke and leaked water into the wall.  But somehow not in the wall but in a layer of maybe plaster or a million layers of paint from all the years this house has existed.

Contracts were signed while Ben was flying back to California for a mountaineering trip.

The whole process didn't feel real; maybe because we did it in an unconventional way or maybe because we were doing it all while juggling many other things. 

While Ben was soaking up this amazingness, we started math.  And I fixed our air conditioner all by myself.  Well, thanks to YouTube.  And that, my friends, is exactly why I am so thankful that we did all the house insanity during our summer.  My brain has been consumed with scouring Zillow and cleaning the house for a certain time and finding things for us to do while we have to be out of the house and analyzing the housing market and trying to make good BIG decisions.  I knew I could not do that well and teach school well.  Something was going to have to give.  I was going to say that maybe what had to give this summer was refreshment, but honestly, the trips that were made helped my mental health tremendously.  

Mint House is under contract.

We have a house waiting for us in California.

School is in session.

Let the next adventure begin!

1st Open House

When we talked to our original realtor (the one who helped us buy this house), she said that she would price low and then have an open house and 50-100 people would come and you would get 10 offers and they would bid up the house.  So the low price gets people in the door, but then they bid up the price to make it $50,000+ more.  We had a couple come look at the house and they said that they had lost hope buying a house because they were selling $100,000 over asking price and it felt like you never knew the actual price of the house.  We didn't want to do that.  It felt kind of scummy to us.

But those conversations made us prepare for swarms of people to come to our open house.  We bought a giant sign and put out a ton of waters and I baked so.many.cookies.  Do you know how stressful it was when no one came for 45 minutes?  I would love to say that I didn't worry, but I quickly went to "Oh my goodness, no one is going to buy our house!"

11 people came to our open house.  Not 100.  And while there was positive comments, there were zero offers.  Not 10 competing.

So far, nothing "they" said would happen has actually happened.

While Ben was at the house, I took the boys to basketball and Maya for a walk.  It was so hot and humid that day, I wasn't sure she was going to make it.